Reading time: 6 minutes

DISCLAIMER: Before we dive into this story, let me make one thing clear. The intention here is purely philosophical self-reflection and knowledge sharing. I’ve altered names and pertinent details to safeguard identities.

Aloha, PhiloSurfer!

This week’s newsletter is a little different. No more theories. Very few philosophical concepts.

Just a single personal story that I want to share with you all.

I’d call it:

The Adventures of Mr. K in Ibiza

or

How Beliefs Swell Negative Emotions

This story also happens to be a perfect example of applying last week’s newsletter in real life.

If you haven’t read it, do so here:

Your 7-day emotional surf report.

At the end of this letter, I will also share how I pretend to change my life to avoid future unpleasant moments like the ones I am about to share with you.

The Main Character

I have this friend who’s quite something. He’s got some personality traits that can sometimes rub people the wrong way. “Polarizing” is the first word that comes to mind.

To keep things simple, let’s call him Mr. K.

My buddy K isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. That’s never been an issue for me. I have friends who are smarter, but for me, being friends isn’t about intelligence; it’s about how good a person you are and how you make each other feel. Plain and simple.

K is also a die-hard kook. You know, the kind who desperately wants to be part of every surfer crew and constantly posts, well, uninteresting stuff. By the way, no one has seen him in the water for the past 5 years. Still, he considers himself a surfer, though we’re not really sure why.

Recently, I had an experience with this friend that stirred up some negative emotions in me.

The Plot

Mr. K came to visit us in Ibiza. At one point, he inappropriately flirted with an ex-girlfriend of mine right in front of my current girlfriend and me.

At first, I brushed it off. My girlfriend even asked me to “save” my ex and include them in our conversation. Back then, I was a smooth sandbed where that emotional ripple had no chance to swell.

Later, as the three of us were driving home, my friend boasted about how much he knew about my ex’s love life.

“Of course, I’m hunting,” were his exact words.

This made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, but nothing out of the ordinary.

Like a small wind wave.

My Internal Conflict

But back home, for no apparent reason, I felt great annoyance. I couldn’t understand why I felt this way or why I was giving this situation so much importance.

My girlfriend was also surprised by my reaction. She even mistakenly thought I still had feelings for my ex-girlfriend. I was helping grow something that I didn’t understand & hurting the feelings of the one I love (for which I am truly sorry).

It took me a while to find the foundations of my emotional reef, but I finally figured out the cause of my sudden turmoil.

The Initial Diagnosis

After some reflection, I started to process the sensations rationally. That’s when I realized the spark that ignited this emotional chaos was a very specific idea:

“If the situation were reversed, how would Mr. K have reacted if I had flirted with his ex?”

The answer was crystal clear.

He would have been furious with me to the point of physical confrontation.

You see, my friend K is a deep-dyed old-school macho.

He firmly believes in an unwritten male code that dictates never flirting with a friend’s crush, respecting ex-girlfriends, and so on.

The Philosophical Lesson

If I had stopped at this level of reflection, I would have only dipped my toe into the ocean of my anger.

But to understand the depths of my beliefs, I needed to keep pondering this issue until I finally got it.

❌ The problem isn’t my friend or his behavior, as misguided as it may be.

✅ The problem is me and my rigidity when it comes to following rules.

I pride myself on abiding by the golden rule—you know, treating others as I expect to be treated—and I hope others do the same. But if you look closely, the subject of the first part is me while the subject of the second part is everyone else.

In other words, my belief includes something I can control (myself) and something impossible to control (everyone else). It’s a flawed strategy to get upset when others don’t behave as I do.

Extending the obligation of one’s own morality to others.

This belief is the reef upon which a small ripple was turning into a hollow Pipeline wave.

The Resolution

I finally understood that K isn’t someone I want to maintain a friendship with. Not so much because of the issue described here but because of something else he did while in my house.

At the risk of sounding like a deus ex-machina, the fundamental issue is that K was badmouthing me behind my back to my girlfriend and my girlfriend in front of me.

Moreover, the things he said about both of us were meant to create tension between us.

And even though we talked openly about it once I drove K to the airport, our next argument was precisely about what K induced discord in my relationship.

In summary:

1. You can’t control other people or their behavior. 
2. But your beliefs are the reef that can aggravate or mitigate things
3. Examine your beliefs and how they affect your emotions.
4. You can always say no and choose better friends.

Now I know why I reacted like that & what should I do to not behave like that in a similar situation. I will keep up with my part of the Golden Rule (treat other like I’d like to be treated) & don’t get upset if they don’t comply with their part of the agreement.

I will always keep my freedom to stop a relationship with someone that doesn’t share the same values as myself.

And this idea is powerful & empowering. Ride on it!

Choose soothing yourself, choose philosophy!

Nice glides & good swells to you all, PhiloSurfers.

Mahalo!

* * * * *

I have created a course on How Philosophy Can Soothe Your Soul in 5 modules:

• Introduction: The power of self-knowledge (Socratic life coaching)
• Module 1: How to deal with anxiety like a Stoic thinker (or a big-wave surfer)
• Module 2: How to manage expectations like a Cynic guru (or a soul surfer)
• Module 3: How to fulfill your purpose like a Peripatetic student (or a pro surfer)
• Module 4: How to be happy like an Epicurean virtuoso (or a stoked kook)
• Module 5: How to live in harmony like a Taoist master (or a smooth longboarder)
• Bonus: How to face death like an Existentialist intellectual (or a solo surfer)

Starts on Sept. 19th.

3 weeks.

Tuesday & Thursday. 18:30-20:00 CET.

90’ sessions.

Only 4 out of 12 seats ava¡lable.

Just click here if you’re interested in knowing the details.

Additional recommendations:

1. Not this week.